The Ocado man
So organised. So efficient. He’s here when he said he’d be here. No game-playing. He does what he says he’s going to do. Look how he handles the bags. I wonder how he’d handle mine?
I was in pain and now I am not. You cradled my head and I felt the rush of fear and exhilaration, wondering if you’d crack my neck. You put your hands under my back and threw yourself on me. I yelped – but you looked at me and said, “That’s better.” Yes. Yes it is. You make everything better.
The hot waiter
His English isn’t very good. He has that swarthy Mediterranean look about him – like an Italian Calvin Klein model, but one who just bought you a cocktail and asked if you’d like any crisps. Handsome. Brings you alcohol. Also clears up. Doesn’t judge you. God is great.
The yoga teacher
You thought you’d grown out of being swayed by the sight of muscular arms. But you were wrong. He is hairy. He has a calm, yet commanding voice. There are Sanskrit tattoos. He can chant. He’s pressing on your back while you’re in down dog, which usually annoys you but which you are now finding deeply sexual. You even attempted a headstand to impress him. That was a mistake. You could experience transcendental orgasms through practising pranayamic breathing with him AND improve your core strength.
He’s quite old now. Worldy. Experienced. He’s known you all your life. He’s friends with your dad. He’s bought you expensive jewellery. Taken you to dinner and always paid. Knows you. Thinks you’re funny and adorable. You feel safe. Protected. He’s a grown-up. It would be wrong, so wrong. And yet…
The traffic warden
Sometimes you want a McDonalds and you don’t even know why. It’s the food equivalent of hate-sex. Like shagging that despondent-looking traffic warden who just spends all day being shouted at would be. Just think of the surprise on his face if you pushed him onto the bonnet of your car while continuing to abuse him for giving you a ticket. Then when it was all over you could say angrily, “Never speak of this to anyone. You don’t know me. I don’t know you. This didn’t happen. But rest assured, Martin, I will never forget you.”