As per my last email
Translation: Sorry, what do you want? A rocket up your arse? A barbershop choir sent to your office, which sings you the contents of my last sequence of emails in a four-part harmony? Do you literally want me to pull your knickers up for you next time you go for a pee? Stop nobbing around and get on with it.
Hope this helps
Translation: So that you never contact me again.
I hope you are well
Translation: Please note that this is not a question, which means you are not obliged to answer. I don’t care what you did this weekend or if you’re feeling cold today or isn’t it boring that it’s raining.
I look forward to hearing from you
Translation: Hurry the fuck up or expect another email from me first thing tomorrow morning when the paranoia will have really taken grip.
I’m sorry about the delay in replying
Translation: I’ve been wracking my brains for ways to get out of having to work with you and so far, I haven’t come up with anything convincing.
I’m so excited about this project.
Translation: If I put it in writing, perhaps it will come true. It works for the Californians. Until then, let’s all go with the lie.
I’m currently on annual leave, but checking my emails intermittently
Translation: Go away, I’m drunk and fooling around in the Mediterranean.
So nice to e-meet you.
Translation: Thank God we didn’t have to actually meet. I’m lying on the sofa in a Take That t-shirt waiting for my blackhead nose strip to dry as I write this.
Further to our conversation…
Translation: I wasn’t paying attention to anything we discussed today. Going to guess what we agreed (did we agree anything?)
Should you have any further questions, please don’t hesitate to contact me.
Translation: Ask me a question and it will make you look stupid and incompetent. I know it, you know it…I’ll read it out in my office. There will be laughter. There will be judgement.