We like to practice random acts of kindness by not talking to anyone in the morning. And also by practising some of the following good deeds…
Jaffa cakes are not healthy. Eating the entire packet myself is a way of protecting other people from making bad choices.
I won’t go to the gym so that if someone keen goes, there’s more likely to be an unoccupied cross-trainer.
I filter the fuck out of my face on Instagram so that no one else feels bad or self-conscious for also making themselves look like a 12-year old made of plastic.
I am a big supporter of the arts. That’s why I tend to cancel plans so I can support up-and-coming talent on Netflix.
Practicing terrible sleep hygiene and nurturing insomnia means I don’t have psychotic dreams about ex-boyfriends or stupid people I work with, making me a much less paranoid person in real life.
I tell millennials that all the music they listen to is terrible because they’re probably too embarrassed to admit it themselves and I can be their voice when they feel silenced.
Sex is cool, but wearing my old grey tracksuit bottoms to bed with a ripped t-shirt and my hair in a top-knot is just my way of being a little bit less irresistible and building up some head of steam for the next time.
I scream at other drivers when I’m in my car, to keep them safe and alert on the roads.
I check Instagram during meetings to stay abreast of what’s going on in the world, in case it’s relevant.
I leave parties early as a way of giving other people permission to leave early too – like a shepherdess guiding the meek home.