What are the burning topics of conversation? The crucial subjects that demand rumination and discussion. Vital things to work through and establish like:
Buried or Cremated?
Are you even out with your friends if you are not discussing this? Yes of course this a little premature (Oh God) but we are planners. Is it better to be trapped under ground or burnt to a crisp? Nibbled by worms or licked by flames? Rotting or roasted? Perfect rosé and pizza chat.
Big Knickers or Small Knickers?
There comes a point in life where you have to pick a side. ‘Are you still wearing G-strings?’ is a burning question – literally burning. How big is big in the big pants parley? Really big. Like huge. Like a full-body pant. You are not prepared to run the risk of anything going up your bum. You are too old to put anything up your bottom. Although a doctor recently told you that you were due for a colonoscopy so maybe you are that old.
Forget fake news – it’s all about fake plans. Namely planning fictional weekends away. Wouldn’t it be great if you went to Porto/Margate/Bath/a London hotel for five minutes? You could – and, remember this is all in the realms of fiction, no one actually has the energy to plan dinner let alone a weekend away with four other women – eat, go for walks, plan your funerals, sleep. Go wild swimming…
Wild Swimming Wonders
Speaking of wild swimming – no conversation is currently complete without an incredibly detailed conversation/monologue about someone’s wild swimming ‘journey’. Lowest temperature they have swam in. Thickness of neoprene gloves – are you a 3mm or 5mm? Are socks a game changer (yes)? This conversation is as boring and necessary as the ‘how-do-you-wordle’ conversation and also the ‘how-many-times-you’ve-had covid’ convo.
The Original Threads
For every wild swimmer there is a lockdown needlepointer – it’s just physics. This compelling chat one covers where to buy the best kits and head-torches for night time pricking. A bit of carefree dwelling on how unfuckable does that make the needlepointers and how little they care. And then the technical bits: how to make the back look neat? How many stitches pre inch? Where to start the thread? Who can (cheaply) make up cushions? Who can (cheaply) stretch and frame? What do we think about slogan cushions? Would you like to see my series of insects?
If Money Were No Object…
And then a series of conversations with the constant qualifier: ‘if money were no object.’ Where you would live if money were no object? There’s always someone who wants to live in the Caribbean (outlier) but lots say Hampstead. Once you’ve covered Primrose Hill/Bruton in Somerset and one of those Georgian Hackney houses it quickly segues into… Where would your second home be if money were no object? Each question feeding a litany of never-realised dreams – Los Angeles for a year?! Bali?! Town for six months and abroad for six months. Then you get worthy and start wondering if it is really responsible to have a house in the Cotswolds and also a modest palace in Tuscany – I mean, would you really use them? Would you feel tied down and unable to spread your travel wings?
What Would You Do?
The ‘if money is was no object’ conversation often broadens to embrace ‘What would you do if you didn’t do what you did?’ And this is where it gets really worthy. Obviously, these days, we can’t move for therapists, but people are also flirting with midwifery, being a doula, child psychology, prison reform, even local library reform….fantasising about a life of purpose rather than punishment. Because then maybe you’d sleep.
The Insomnia Games
Once it has been established that almost no one is sleeping – let the insomnia games begin. One person says they wake up at 5:30 every day, at which point someone else pipes up that 5:30 is morning (subtext “you ungrateful wretch”) and that’s a lie-in if you are a 4am-er. Then one person ill-advisedly admits that they sleep for eight hours a night and like they’ve just told the table that they believe in child sacrifice in the right circumstances.
If people are married they do not discuss the tumble weed that is their sex life. But if one person is having lots of random sex the appetite for the blow by blow is phenomenal. “So did he try and take your knickers off before or after he took the call from his ex-girlfriend?” “You gave him a blow job where?” “What do you mean he fingered you during Cabaret? Also, how did he get tickets?”