Me: I can’t believe I’ve never shagged anyone in a lift.
Also me: You might miss your floor and then what?
Me: Or even put my hand down someone’s trousers.
Also me: What if you didn’t turn around and it was the wrong person?
Me: All that doing it against the buttons and jamming the lift between floors….
Also me: Or just stopping at every floor. How come that never happens in films?
Me: OK, NO ONE in real life shags in lifts.
Also me: Apart from Glenn Close and Michael Douglas in Fatal Attraction.
Me: Just because she looks like your old PE teacher doesn’t mean she counts as real.
Also me: Benicio Del Toro and Scarlett Johansson….
Me: Apocryphal. Hopefully.
Also me: All those years taking the stairs to improve my health. What a mistake.
Me: Oh God, now Andrew from HR has got in.
Also me: Do I say hello or do I pretend I’m thinking about death?
Me: It’s fine, he won’t notice me.
Also me: It’s only him and you. Chances are he has noticed you.
Me: Do I nod? Do I speak? Do I ask him about his badminton injury?
Also me: Looking at your phone isn’t helping. He can still see you.
Also me: Ah. So his name is actually Anthony. Bit awkward.
Me: It’s fine, I’ve only worked here for FIVE YEARS, NOW HE HATES ME.
Also me: Oh great, more people getting in.
Me: It’s like I’ve been buried alive in a moving, mass grave.
Also me: Why is everyone talking? Talking in lifts is vulgar. Just ask Alistair over there.
Me: I mean, are these people wearing internal megaphones? It’s like we’re in the Grand Canyon.
Also me: Just going to check my teeth in the mirror.
Me: Wait. Are there more people behind there?
Also me: Or cameras?
Me: What if I give it a little knock?
Also me: And then a wave…
Me: Hi spies!
Also me: So come on then, who have you seen shag in this lift?