mad men, elevator, lift, awkward, monologue, conversations you have with yourself

Conversations you have with yourself: in the lift

Me: I can’t believe I’ve never shagged anyone in a lift.

Also me: You might miss your floor and then what?

Me: Or even put my hand down someone’s trousers.

Also me: What if you didn’t turn around and it was the wrong person?

Me: All that doing it against the buttons and jamming the lift between floors….

Also me: Or just stopping at every floor. How come that never happens in films?

Me: OK, NO ONE in real life shags in lifts.

Also me: Apart from Glenn Close and Michael Douglas in Fatal Attraction.

Me: Just because she looks like your old PE teacher doesn’t mean she counts as real.

Also me: Benicio Del Toro and Scarlett Johansson….

Me: Apocryphal. Hopefully.

Also me: All those years taking the stairs to improve my health. What a mistake.

Me: Oh God, now Andrew from HR has got in.

Also me: Do I say hello or do I pretend I’m thinking about death?

Me: It’s fine, he won’t notice me.

Also me: It’s only him and you. Chances are he has noticed you.

Me: Do I nod? Do I speak? Do I ask him about his badminton injury?

Also me: Looking at your phone isn’t helping. He can still see you.

Me: Sayhellosayhellosayhello.

Also me: Ah. So his name is actually Anthony. Bit awkward.

Me: It’s fine, I’ve only worked here for FIVE YEARS, NOW HE HATES ME.

Also me: Oh great, more people getting in.

Me: It’s like I’ve been buried alive in a moving, mass grave.

Also me: Why is everyone talking? Talking in lifts is vulgar. Just ask Alistair over there.

Me: I mean, are these people wearing internal megaphones? It’s like we’re in the Grand Canyon.

Also me: Just going to check my teeth in the mirror.

Me: Wait. Are there more people behind there?

Also me: Or cameras?

Me: What if I give it a little knock?

Also me: And then a wave…

Me: Hi spies!

Also me: So come on then, who have you seen shag in this lift?

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