Me: Take a deep breath in.
Also me: Bored.
Me: Hold it.
Also me: *opens one eye and checks instagram*
Me: Slowly exhale.
Also me: Are Jean-Claude Juncker and Michel Barnier the same person?
Me: Acknowledge them…
Also me: Wait, did I just have a micro-sleep?
Me: …observe them…
Also me: Is it too early for a sandwich?
Me: …don’t get attached…
Also me: My whole life is built on sand and fear and cashmere jumpers I now hate.
Me: …just let them pass.
Also me: When do I get to admit I don’t like oat milk?
Me: Breathe in…
Also me: My foot feels weird.
Me: …breathe out…
Also me: Oh my God, my foot has been poisoned!!!!!!!!!!
Me: …breathe in…
Also me: *opens one eye and checks emails*
Me: …breathe out…
Also me: ‘On the rivers of Babylon, there we sat down…’
Me: Follow the breath.
Also me: I need to pee.
Me: Let your shoulders relax.
Also me: *lies down*
Also me: *sits up again*
Me: MMMMMMmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMmmmmmmm…………………………….
Also me: Why wasn’t I born with the tongue-rolling gene?
Also me: *feels for chin hairs*
Me: …just gently bring it back to the breath.
Also me: The washing machine has finished. Where are my glasses? Is it raining?
Me: Wiggle your fingers and toes…
Also me: Well, that was three hours I’ll never get back.
Me: Congratulations, your five minutes is up.