Me: I am a serious, informed grown-up who is engaged in the world’s issues.
Also me: Tell me more about #WAGathaChristie IMMEDIATELY.
Me: Ah yes. Brexit. Where are we with the negotiations?
Also me: I negotiated my car out of a parking space better than this only earlier…
Me: No deal would be a disaster.
Also me: A disaster bigger than me ripping the fuck out of my tights before a meeting today and that’s saying something.
Me: Right. So Parliament has said we will need to extend the deadline if no deal is agreed.
Also me: But why is everyone freaking out about no deal when they’re not allowed to leave with no deal? Who actually understands this? Is it all made up? Am I even here?
Me: The backstop…
Also me: What is the backstop?
Me: And you know, all that business with the single market.
Also me: What is the single market?
Me: Hello Michel Barnier….
Also me: Wait, is he quite… hot?
Me: He must think we’re a bunch of tossers.
Also me: *googles ‘young Michel Barnier’*
Me: This is never going to get sorted out before the deadline.
Also me: Imagine him and Justin Trudeau in a boy band…
Me: I can’t take this anymore.
Also me: They could ask Emmanuel Macron to join.
Me: We are about to make ourselves globally irrelevant!
Also me: He could be the little Mark Owen of the band.
Me: What if no one wants to trade with us???
Also me: And they could also ask Prince Carl Philip of Sweden.
Me: OMG. Our only ‘friend’ will be Donald Trump.
Also me: OK, so Prince Carl Philip is not a politician, but with that face, who will care?
Me: Until Donald Trump decides that he wants to buy us and turn us into a giant golf course.
Also me: They could be like a hot Euro N-Sync.
Me: Until we refuse and he just decides, in his unmatched wisdom, to nuke us.
Also me: They could do cover versions of the original N Sync songs!
Me: THE APOCALYPSE IS COMING.
Also me: Except we won’t be able to go and see them live because they’ll only be playing in EU countries. I don’t believe this.
Me: That’s it, I’m joining the Green party!
Also me: Or the other party! That everyone keeps leaving!
Me: I’m Brexhausted.
Also me: *googles ‘how happily married is Prince Carl Philip REALLY?’*