thelma and louise, car passenger seat, driving, conversations you have with yourself, monologue

Conversations you have with yourself: In the passenger seat

Me: I love it when someone else drives. So relaxing.

Also me: Am I literally the only good driver in the whole of the UK?

Me: I can relax. Let someone else take the stress.


Me: Gosh, that cyclist came out of nowhere.

Also me: Mow the bastard down.

Me: Other drivers should be more aware of him.

Also me: How could they not be in those cycling shorts, bloody hell!

Me: I am enjoying Gardener’s Question Time on Radio 4.

Also me: I wonder if I can secretly Bluetooth the soundtrack from The Greatest Showman into the stereo system?

Me: Ummm, I don’t actually have a garden…

Also me: Is it bad form to change the music if you’re not the driver?

Me: I think that might be our turning…

Also me: *slams foot down on imaginary brake*

Me: It’s fine, we can take another route.

Also me: *screams inside*

Me: 20mph zone. At least I can stare at the houses.

Also me: We would have to be dead to be moving slower than this.

Me: Oh look, that person in front is parking suddenly.

Also me: *grabs car door handle with accompanying sharp intake of breath*

Me: So how are you finding driving a hybrid?

Also me: Is it weird if I open the glove compartment to look for sweets?

Me: Yes, I think they are the future.

Also me: This Werther’s Original is older than Dr Legg on EastEnders.

Me: You’re right, the environment is everybody’s problem.

Also me: Oh, there’s only one. So this is awkward.

Me: I mean, the traffic is always terrible along here, isn’t it.

Also me: How do I slip it into my mouth without being obvious?

Me: You might want to take the second exit, actually.

Also me: *coughs loudly while unwrapping quickly*

Me: And then turn left – I know a good rat-run.

Also me: *pretends to stifle yawn, shoves ancient Werther’s in mouth*

Me: Just a cough sweet.

Also me: Can I get away with a micro nap?

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