Me: Holiday!
Also me: I can’t afford to go on holiday.
Me: Free time!
Also me: To panic about how much this is costing me.
Me: Not gonna look at my emails for a week!
Also me: *checks emails*
Me: I checked in online, I can go straight to departures!
Also me: Is that definitely right though? Why does that never feel right?
Me: I have prepared my 100ml liquids in a clear plastic bag already!
Also me: Does it matter that I ripped it trying to squeeze in my eye bag cream?
Me: These people are just trying to keep us safe at security.
Also me: Try not to look like a terrorist, try not to look like a terrorist.
Me: It always pings when I go through the walk-through metal detector, it’s fine.
Also me: Suspectedcriminalsuspectedcriminalsuspectedcriminal.
Me: It’s fine. I’m so relaxed right now.
Also me: Being patted down like a suspected criminal terrorist with a bomb hidden in my trousers.
Me: And my bag has gone into the criminal lane. It happens.
Also me: The moment I discover someone packed a fake gun in my bag for a joke and I go to prison forever.
Me: Innocent people have nothing to worry about.
Also me: I knew I shouldn’t have tried to smuggle through that half bottle of Piz Buin and it’s too big to look like an accident.
Me: That security man just handled my knickers because he has to, not because he wants to.
Also me: Wish I hadn’t packed my slutty knickers.
Me: It’s all fine because DUTY FREEEEEEEEEEE!
Also me: I can’t afford duty free.
Me: This is my favourite Chanel fragrance and it’s cheaper!
Also me: By about £2.
Me: I want that whole lip gloss set!
Also me: Is that one actually… grey?
Me: Huge eye shadow palette, come to me!
Also me: There’s a space at the bottom of my dressing table drawer with your name on it.
Me: Better get some more Piz Buin in a sensible factor 50 so I don’t destroy my collagen.
Also me: I want a tan. Factor 15 it is. What even is collagen? Doesn’t it… grow back?
Me: I will buy this paperback copy of 12 Rules for Life, which offers principles for a meaningful life.
Also me: Yesssss, the new Dan Brown.
Me: I have plenty of time to get to my gate.
Also me: OMG, my gate is LITERALLY IN SCOTLAND.
Me: A swift walk and I’ll be there shortly.
Also me: *runs dragging case and knocking children over on the travelator*
