catch me if you can, leonardo dicaprio, pilot, air hostess, airport, anxiety, wandering thoughts

Conversations you have with yourself: At the airport

Me: Holiday!

Also me: I can’t afford to go on holiday.

Me: Free time!

Also me: To panic about how much this is costing me.

Me: Not gonna look at my emails for a week!

Also me: *checks emails*

Me: I checked in online, I can go straight to departures!

Also me: Is that definitely right though? Why does that never feel right?

Me: I have prepared my 100ml liquids in a clear plastic bag already!

Also me: Does it matter that I ripped it trying to squeeze in my eye bag cream?

Me: These people are just trying to keep us safe at security.

Also me: Try not to look like a terrorist, try not to look like a terrorist.

Me: It always pings when I go through the walk-through metal detector, it’s fine.

Also me: Suspectedcriminalsuspectedcriminalsuspectedcriminal.

Me: It’s fine. I’m so relaxed right now.

Also me: Being patted down like a suspected criminal terrorist with a bomb hidden in my trousers.

Me: And my bag has gone into the criminal lane. It happens.

Also me: The moment I discover someone packed a fake gun in my bag for a joke and I go to prison forever.

Me: Innocent people have nothing to worry about.

Also me: I knew I shouldn’t have tried to smuggle through that half bottle of Piz Buin and it’s too big to look like an accident.

Me: That security man just handled my knickers because he has to, not because he wants to.

Also me: Wish I hadn’t packed my slutty knickers.

Me: It’s all fine because DUTY FREEEEEEEEEEE!

Also me: I can’t afford duty free.

Me: This is my favourite Chanel fragrance and it’s cheaper!

Also me: By about £2.

Me: I want that whole lip gloss set!

Also me: Is that one actually… grey?

Me: Huge eye shadow palette, come to me!

Also me: There’s a space at the bottom of my dressing table drawer with your name on it.

Me: Better get some more Piz Buin in a sensible factor 50 so I don’t destroy my collagen.

Also me: I want a tan. Factor 15 it is. What even is collagen? Doesn’t it… grow back?

Me: I will buy this paperback copy of 12 Rules for Life, which offers principles for a meaningful life.

Also me: Yesssss, the new Dan Brown.

Me: I have plenty of time to get to my gate.

Also me: OMG, my gate is LITERALLY IN SCOTLAND.

Me: A swift walk and I’ll be there shortly.

Also me: *runs dragging case and knocking children over on the travelator*

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