A vortex
So you can scream into it. Or howl. Or whimper. Or laugh hysterically in that way where you have to keep saying, “I’m fine, I’m fine” and everyone thinks you are insane which you are but, with your own personal, portable vortex, no one would ever know. You could be publicly dulcet at all times.
An aversion-therapy phone cover
One that gives you an electric shock every time you touch it. Imagine how freeing – and painful – it would be.
A neuralyzer
You know, the thing Will Smith waves at people in Men in Black to make them forget they just had a conversation with an alien. No one needs to remember opening a packet of mince pies at 10.30am and binge-eating them cold. Neuralyze yourself and continue with your day.
Fake blood
So you can give yourself a get-out-of-jail-free fake nose bleed every time there’s a family row/it’s time to empty the dishwasher AGAIN/someone says you can’t watch the Victoria Christmas special.
Sleep
Try wrapping THAT.
A Mr Whippy Ice Cream machine
Come on, it would be so cool. You could keep it in your room and use it to lure cute boys.
A week when no one talks to you
No this is not a silent retreat. And no one is cross with you, this is no negative information about yourself or punishment or Coventry. It’s just a week where everyone gets on with everything themselves without asking questions or needing decisions. Oof.
A heated onesie
Like an electric blanket cut to fit a human. Has anyone thought of that yet? Why hasn’t anyone thought of that?
Alcohol
You might think that’s a boring present. It’s not a boring present! Seriously, WHY AM I NOT DRUNK YET? *pulls out cork with teeth*
