peanuts, charlie brown, snoopy, christmas, party prompts, awkward conversation, festive period

Christmas party prompts

What to say to…

… the person who has had enough of #MeToo

“I mean, a whole YEAR of these women whinging, right? Well, why don’t I grab YOUR crotch in an aggressive and entitled fashion while making loud comments about your body and threatening to end your career and we’ll see how that goes…”

… the person who refuses to wear a Christmas jumper

“Do you also pull the wings off flies?”

… the person holding mistletoe over everyone’s heads

“As long as you’ve been inoculated against TB and you don’t mind picking up a mild case of mouth thrush, help yourself.”

… someone who asks if the sausage rolls are gluten free

“Yes. I mean, no. I don’t know. Why don’t you try one and when nothing happens, then we’ll know.”

… someone trying to top your glass up with disgusting wine

“No thank you, my cough’s much better.”

… someone who asks, ‘So what does 2019 hold for you?’

“Hold on a second isn’t it going to be 2008? I am sorry I am feeling very confused I have to go now.”

… the person dressed up as Father Christmas

“I can’t believe you never called. You said you *wanted* to meet my mother.”

… the person who thinks stockings are pointless

“And I think you’re pointless, but I’m not suggesting you stay stuck in a drawer, emptied of all the things that people find enjoyable about you.”

… a Trump supporter

(Sober) “How interesting. Now if you like orange, you really must try one of these salmon tartar canapés, they’re marvellous.”

(Less sober) “I once drank too much mulled wine and shagged my boss at one of these Christmas parties, but I never voted for a misogynist, racist idiot with the temperament of one of those four-year olds you genuinely hate, what’s that like?”

… someone who says, ‘I always find I can’t eat at parties’

You will be unable to answer as your mouth will be full of *their* canapés

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