Do you remember when you couldn’t sleep with your feet over the bed because the night monsters would gobble them clean off? Thankfully you are so grown-up now that you can almost dangle a leg out during a heatwave. Almost. Here are some other things you used to think would be included in the list of life’s most serious problems…
Drowning in quicksand
Quicksand was an 80s movie favourite and so, we wondered, what if you’re on the beach and you step into the quicksand and it slowly sucks you in and someone tosses you that bit of vine they happen to have to hand but it’s too late because the quicksand has consumed you and all that’s left is your dead clawed hand desperately reaching out? OK, so there is no quicksand. You’re just on a normal beach in Cornwall. Return to your Madeline Miller novel and relax.
Going from day to night/office to bar
Day to Night Barbie was able to turn her velvety suit into a jazzy sequinned outfit just by flipping the skirt round and removing the jacket. Fortunately, it turns out you don’t need to do a Wonder Woman spin and change your entire outfit/look/mood to go from day to night or office to bar. What you in fact need to do is… nothing. Seriously, don’t even bother redoing your eyeliner, no one cares.
Being eaten by sharks… in the swimming pool
Swimming is enjoyable until you remember the sharks. The sharks that have come in through the filters at the end and are waiting to savage you like Alex on his yellow lilo in Jaws. It’s fine though. Those filters are FAR too small to let the sharks in. They just have to live in the pipes, frustrated that they can’t bite your face off.
Which way is north? What even is north? Why is north not just the direction you are facing? How can your mother look at that page and make ANY sense of it? How is it possible that you will not just end up in the wilderness every time you venture out? Waze. That’s how.
Eating an apple seed and a tree growing in your stomach
Careful. Eat those pips and you will turn into a human plant with branches growing out of your ears and then other people will eat YOU. Sounds quite… sexy.
If you lose your bunny, you will never sleep again
Sleeping alone is the greatest bliss known to woman.
You won’t ever love anyone as much as you love your dog
That’s actually true.