- Child: I can’t wait to be a grown-up and know everything.
Grown-up: What is anything?
- Child: Why do I have to go to bed! It’s so unfair!
Grown-up: I’m in a relationship with my bed and I can tell you it’s very serious.
- Child: One day I’ll be able to do public transport on my own.
Grown-up: Wait, I thought this was the Circle line? Why is it going to Edgware Road? Hang on, this IS the Circle line – but why isn’t it going to High Street Kensington?? How do I get off???
- Child: It will be exciting to get my period and be a big girl.
Grown-up: *cries and eats chocolate*
- Child: It would be so cool to drive your own car and do whatever you like.
Grown-up: If I drive, I won’t be able to drink, which means I’ll have a boring evening. But if I do, then I’ll have to leave the car and come back for it the next day and this whole plan is turning into a major pain in the arse.
- Child: Smoking is disgusting.
Grown-up: Where is my lighter?? My kingdom for a lighter.
- Child: Urgh, salad.
Grown-up: I’ll have the salad with – yes, the one I always order, that’s right.
- Child: I can’t wait for it to be my birthday!
Grown-up: FFS, I’m thirty-five again this year, so stop asking.
- Child: I’m going to have my own job and earn my own money and buy toys!
Grown-up: I’m broke. And this rampant rabbit doesn’t work.
- Child: I want a coke.
Grown-up: I want coke.
- Child: Urgh, wine tastes rank.
Grown-up: Come to me, beloved *pours bottle straight into mouth*
- Child: No, I won’t get into the bath!
Grown-up: I live here now. This is now my watery bed. Forever.