It’s that time of year when everyone is either assailed by a chest infection or norovirus or terrified of catching it. Your pee is a radioactive neon from all the Berocca you’ve been banging. All niceties are off, people have stopped shaking hands – GERMS – sneezes on the tube are greeted with ‘Oh, Jesus Christ’ rather than ‘Bless you’ (true story), and if you have a sniffle there’s a radius around you as people avoid you like the plague that you are. But it’s not just the dodging, here are all the annoying/unhelpful/exhausting things people say when you are ill:
“Have you seen a doctor?”
Anyone who says this clearly hasn’t needed to go to the doctor for a while because it is virtually impossible to get an appointment and, even if you do, why would you sit in the festering waiting room and double down on your infection? Private? Appointment plus ‘strep swab’ plus blood tests plus prescription. £500. Enough to make you sick. Oh.
“Antibiotics don’t work”
And yet when you have been totally paralysed for three weeks, somehow a course of antibiotics makes it all better. SO STRANGE THAT.
“Antibiotics mean we are all getting sicker”
Yes, we know that antibiotics are not perfect and are dulling our immune systems. But this particular nugget is usually said by someone who spends most weekends putting all sorts of chemicals in their body whilst also being a committed anti-vaxxer and yoga bore.
“Gosh that’s been a while…” *head tilt*
All you can hear in that moment and for the rest of the day and all through the night of Googling is ‘CANCER CANCER CANCER‘.
“You should try and rest”
Of course you should rest. Of course you should probably lie down in a darkened room in self-cleaning sheets for at least a week. But you can’t. And you are mostly dead-woman-walking-while-weeping. You don’t want to be told to rest. What you want is a coffee and five million quid.
“Try these essential oils”
Is there an essential oil for getting people not to talk to you?
“Oh gosh my cousin had that and is now…” *trails off*
*stares into the Midult distance*