Barbra Streisand says ‘we’ve got nothing to be guilty of’. Hmmm. La Streisand may be 100% sin free but we are positively drowning in the stuff. Coated in it like Farrow & Ball; sinner-up. Here’s just a glimpse into the guilt. This is only the beginning
Perhaps you could shake Greta’s Thunberg hand, look her in the eye, secure in the knowledge that you are carbon neutral. Or perhaps you just flew to Tuscany for the weekend, hired a Fiat 500 and bombed around Chianti eating all the meat and cheese you could get your hands on. It would take the replacing of an Amazon jungle to offset that 48 hours. Also do you rinse the recycling properly? And do you have all the baths? DO YOU?
Gangsta rap, men being able to fix things, wanting to be rescued, reading Jilly Cooper, not wanting gender neutral toilets, there are 20 million triggers daily that set us off into feeling like we are bad feminists.
Blame Dr Atkins. Blame that Zoe stylist who invented Size Zero. Blame the entire 90s. The evil triumvirate that mean that no potato, pasta or bread roll passes our lips without feeling like the whole of the Catholic church is judging you. It’s such a bore. Because, even when you decide not to care, you still notice. Pizza has been ruined. Our kidneys have been ruined.
Not Drinking Enough Water Guilt
Do you drink 1.5 litres of water a day? But have you seen the size of our bladders? Do you want us to spend the entire day and night nipping out for a quick pee? And yet every doctor asks us if we are ‘dehydrated’. So we feel guilty and still we pee all the time. Pee-nishment.
How many Ubers is too many Ubers? Do we know how to walk anymore?
No phones at the table, no phones by the bedside, no phones during the film, no phones during sex. We are so good at putting our phones away, practising tech detoxes like the pros we are. We are absolutely not sneaking off to the bathroom to check them every five minutes. No, no, no – it’s just because of all the water that we have been drinking.
We know people so hardy/tight/insane that they will just throw on another jumper and maybe a scarf and some gloves and a hat and then go about their at-home business, secure/competitive in the knowledge that they still haven’t switched the central heating on and it’s nearly November. THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT OUR PEOPLE. Just want to make it clear. At least it will be warm in hell.