garfield, tired, insomnia, sleeplessness, sleep cures

All the “sleep cures” we’ve tried

Here are just a few of the things we have tried to help. With sleep. Or lack thereof. Sleep. One word. Such power. Here are just a few of the things we have tried so far this year to help us sleep. Sorry are we repeating ourselves?

Cough & Cold mixture

The sleep of the dead. Followed by the hangover of the mighty. Except we are clearly not mighty. Driving, talking, thinking pretty much impossible for 48 hours. We call it the Green Honey: the nectar of the devil.


Is this man’s voice sexy or sinister? Did we defrost the chicken? Is this pain in my elbow cancer? Clear the mind, clear the mind, clear the mind. Woke up at 3am with headphones tourniqueted around neck. That’s relaxing.

Sleep hygiene

No screens. No telly. No laptop. No phone. No kindle. No Ipad. No sleep. Also going to bed at same time every night and waking up at same time too. Vigilant about this. So bed at 11. And up at 3. Marv.


We were definitely hypnotised in that chair. We remember nothing so it must have worked. We are feeling quietly confident. We can feel that our brain has been somehow re-wired. It’s a miracle. We are cured. That shimmering, twilight, heart-poundy, adrenaline-charged chapter of our life is over. Glory be. We tuck ourselves in and drift off. Until 3 am.

Cutting out coffee

Because the acupuncturist says it does evil things to our liver. That we will see and feel the difference when we eliminate this demon from our life. Our system will entirely realign and all will be well and we shall sleep the sleep of the virtuous and the blessed. Tried it. For a week. Now pass the triple shot capp and shut up. Please. Begging.

Positive mental attitude

“I am a brilliant sleeper. I sleep beautifully, fully, completely. The night gives me everything I need. I will never have trouble sleeping again. I will wake up rested, refreshed and ready for my day. I have an actual talent when it comes to sleep. I am gifted with regard to sleep.” How do you think that went?

Not drinking water after 6pm

Because, well, bladders. Bladders that are clearly the size of lentils. So we wake up parched at 3am and reach for the water, knock it over on to (or, more accurately, into) our laptop. That cunning little plan just cost us a thousand quid. Surely that’s worth a few more sleepless nights….


F*** off.

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