The caffeine isn’t working. The medicine doesn’t do much either. How will we get that adrenaline surge? The one that is essential to propel us through the day? Thankfully life is a bastard, and there’s always something to get our blood rushing. Triple shot Americano? That’s for rookies…
The accidental ex meeting
Is there anything more cunningly designed to make your eyeballs itch or give you full-body hives than bumping into an ex-boyfriend when you are least expecting it and you are looking like a harried old hag. Extra shot if he’s with his wife and new baby. Am literally high on trauma right now.
Asking about Christmas plans
Ask us again, and again. Go on, do it. Because clearly all we want to think about is the in-laws or the loneliness or the drunk crying/eating Quality Street or the washing-up and losing all the gift receipts and the collapsing of the boundaries you’ve spent years establishing. CAN YOU FEEL THE PANIC NOW? Thanks for asking….
The Crown Season Three, episode one
You are about to put The Crown on. There’s tingling in your toes. And fingertips. Quick go and do something that you’ve been putting off, like your tax return, now that you are basking in that pre-Crown coital glow.
Wait, tax return
Have you done it? Have you done it? Have you done it? Can you pay it? Can you pay it? The humble tax return is actually a kind of mutant horror-crack. Go on, take a deep pull on the tax pipe and just see if you can stay conscious…
Ten quid in the pocket of the coat you haven’t worn since last year
Does anything beat that wave of excitement when you reach in an old coat and here the plasticy crinkle of a tenner? Omg, I’m so rich, I can literally pay off my mortgage / go on holiday/ have champagne for breakfast / buy diamonds.
Slipping into clean sheets is the equivalent of a triple shot Valium vodka latte. I am a princess and a goddess and I live in a cloud and have a unicorn as a pet.
Death, death, death, scream, death, panic, anger, anger, anger, anger, bit upset, confused, confused, paralysed paralysed, oh, they’re in my hand. From 0 to 60 in less than second. Eat this Nigel Mansell!