We are all patiently waiting for messages from the universe, aren’t we? ‘Just give me a sign!!!’ So it sticks in our craws when the signs are – frankly – insulting. Does no one know our worth? Can no one see the real us? Sometimes we just don’t know why we bother…
STOP THE PRESS. You slept eight hours last night! All the way through! Like a child or a normal person! You didn’t take medication! You didn’t even get up to pee or tidy the drawers you keep your batteries and light bulbs in! This is what sanity must feel like! And yet….why has no one noticed? Why has no one said, ‘You look like you definitely slept eight hours straight without waking up to pee last night’? Why has BBC News not been in touch? How can the world just carry on as normal? Why are you now not ruler of the universe and surrounding galaxies??
You’re going for dinner at a friend’s house and you have gleefully brought rather an expensive bottle of wine with you. How generous you’ll look. How thoughtful. What a good friend you are. ‘HELLO,’ you say, shoving the bottle in their face as soon as they open the door. But wait. It has just been placed on the side in the kitchen. No one has mentioned it. No one has opened it. You stare at it mournfully all evening. And when you leave it remains unopened. Unlike the gaping hole in your soul.
Charity shop insult
You cleared out your wardrobe and dragged two bin liners to the local charity shop. You felt like a philanthropist. Karmically rich. At peace. Until a few days later, when you notice they haven’t put any of your clothes on display in the shop window. Why don’t they like that overpriced, itchy, purple boho dress you bought by mistake and never wore? Or the lime green cashmere jumper you bought during your ‘positive colours, positive mind’ phase? You dress really well, don’t you???? …. Or don’t you?
University Challenge insult
You are on your own watching University Challenge. Jeremy Paxman is shouting at the students and it’s all low-level erotic. You are casually answering the questions – and freakishly getting them right. You even got a science one just now. And one about the American electoral system, which everyone knows is super complicated. You are the cleverest person to have lived EVER – and yet, no one is here to witness your giant brain in action. Should you film yourself and post it as a story on Instagram? Should you ‘accidentally’ butt-dial someone so they can hear you answering correctly?? When did life get this cruel??