…And other ways you know you’re a grown up
Remember when we thought people in their 30s were adults? *laughs then cries for days* Well apparently we are adults now. And now that we’re adult-ish, we thought we’d have a thriving career, an amazing social life, an impressive pension, lots of adulty sex and a sexy adult wardrobe. We actually have a favourite hob ring, a plastic bag full of plastic bags and a slightly sore back. However, this is what we’ve learnt.
Adulthood is…realising that half your family is mentally ill. And not only that but they have been mentally ill for generations. And generations. And no one has done anything about it. Until now. You find yourself single-handedly trying to turn the tide against anxiety, depression, neurosis and arachnophobia. Poor you. You are going to need more hands.
Adulthood is…realising that when you say ‘let’s make a plan’ you in no way mean it. You’d throw yourself down the stairs to avoid making the plan. If, for some extraordinary reason, you do actually make the plan, you’d throw yourself down the stairs to not have to do the plan. There’s a lot of standing at the top of the stairs feeling hopeless in Adulthood. (Would not recommend).
Adulthood is…the equivalent of losing your mother in the supermarket but for your whole life. One minute she was staring for the M&S ready meals – sweet and sour pork probably. The next, she was gone. That fear. It’s back.
Adulthood is…like when you used to play recorder and you were really bad at it and so you used to just pretend you were playing it along with everyone else at the concert, hoping that no one would notice because they were all wincing at the horror anyway. That’s what adulthood feels like – totally faking it. Wincing. Horror.
Adulthood is…extraordinary because one day you feel a little bit sleepy, so you lie down and then you are tired forever.
Adulthood is…just saying “I’m sure I’ll have time to get that thing done next week” until you die.
Adulthood means that on the metaphorical table there is a full-time job, a consistent workout schedule, a sex life, the will to live, coffee, the ability to have more than one drink without having to lie down for three days, the capacity to read more than one page of a book a night without falling asleep. BUT you can only PICK 2.
Adulthood is…having bags everywhere: bags full of bags for life, gift bags full of gift bags, bags full of random extension cords from the fax machine/camera/printer/discman you had in the 90s, bags under your eyes. Even those bags have bags.