1. Cried when Take That broke up
What was Robbie’s problem anyway? Who leaves the best band in the world just so they can fool around at Glastonbury with Liam Gallagher? What was wrong with spending the rest of his life recording songs like Pray? Seriously, what’s the matter with people?
2. Went dancing
You might dance a bit now while you’re in the kitchen and there’s nothing on Radio 4, so you’ve flicked over to Radio 2 and they’re playing The Lighthouse Family. But we’re talking about dancing with intent. In fields, in nightclubs (remember those?) in the sitting room where you practised dance routines that your younger brother was only allowed a brief cameo in.
3. Got a Brazilian
It sounded sexy and landing strips were all the rage. You thought that’s what a Brazilian was. Just a topiary of the top bit. You found out the hard way that it wasn’t.
4. Wore a Wonderbra
HELLO BOYS. Wonderbras were the Medieval torture instrument of the Nineties with their ruthless underwiring and heavy padding, causing major spillage for big boobs and rigid, cricket-ball-like situations for small boobs. Always a talking point though – and good for letting people prod after a few Smirnoff Ices.
5. Drank Smirnoff Ice
Like cough mixture mixed with petrol and yet somehow, we all seemed to think it was a brilliant idea.
6. Went for ‘cocktails’
I’ll have a Cosmopolitan! I’m so Carrie Bradshaw! I want to wear fur coats hanging off my shoulders and smoke in bed! Now where the fuck is Mr. Big?
7. Got Chlamydia
So everything with that cute law student seemed to be going well until you started to notice a bit of itching south of the border that wouldn’t go away and when you told the student doctor, she rolled her eyes and muttered, “When will you lot ever learn?” as she wrote you a prescription for antibiotics and gave you a party bag of condoms.
8. Bought your first mobile phone
Brick-like with a flimsy aerial, yes, but finally the end of ‘How can you have spent two hours on the phone with your boyfriend when you’ve spent all day with him???’ No one need know now. And, anyway, five minutes cost, like a million pounds…
9. Got internet at home
The thrill of technology underpinned by that rambling robotic noise of your modem connecting like it was receiving a signal from an alien life on a planet ten million light years away.
