betty draper, early morning, too early, morning routine, serial skillers

48 things you’ve done before 8am

Early morning is a remarkably fertile time for doing many, many things really quite badly. Or, if not badly, then incompletely. Like:

  1. Ordered online delivery – yes, I am dynamic, I am invisible. Sorry, invincible.
  2. Decided to go to the theatre.
  3. Decided the theatre is a stupid idea.
  4. Put a white wash on. Then cancelled it because left a trail of socks on the stairs. Put it on again. Find a t-shirt in the corridor. Howl.
  5. Googled house prices. Got distracted by sex scandal. Texted friend about sex scandal.
  6. Thought about checking bank balance. Too early for depressing news though.
  7. Tried to find the paper bit of your driver’s licence.
  8. Opened laptop while eating porridge.
  9. Dripped the maple syrup on keyboard.
  10. Called the maple syrup a fucker.
  11. Wondered if it was OK to have a fourth coffee.
  12. Wrote a list for the shrink: boundaries, bad back, dead dad.
  13. Drank Berocca. Can’t afford to get ill.
  14. Took womany vitamins. Can’t afford to be womany.
  15. Googled natural anti-anxiety supplements.
  16. Took vitamin B for…what’s vitamin B for again?
  17. Emailed accountant about tax return.
  18. Googled ‘What is a pension?’
  19. Debated whether or not to cancel plans tonight. Desperate to. Whose turn is it to cancel? Yours or theirs?
  20. Stared at phone for a bit.
  21. Set up a WhatsApp family group.
  22. Regretted instantly.
  23. Shaved legs sitting in the bath while listening to five minutes of a podcast about American politics. Feel like an authority.
  24. Stubbed toe on door frame. Called door frame a bastard.
  25. Cried a little.
  26. Took ibuprofen for back/period/head/knee/soul pain.
  27. Decided to get new haircut.
  28. Changed mind about haircut.
  29. Fifth coffee?
  30. Wondered about Ritalin. Everyone seems to be stealing it from teenagers.
  31. Wondered if there was time to go back to bed for ten minutes.
  32. Listened to the Today programme for three minutes. Am now fully informed and armed for conversation.
  33. Took mind off anxiety by spending five minutes on salivating over hangers with clips on.
  34. Made plan to upgrade hangers. Will def do that. So going to do that.
  35. Stared at wardrobe hoping for something stylish and flattering to leap out.
  36. Phone was buzzing. Searched for phone. Where the fuck is…? 
  37. Found phone. Answered breathlessly. PPI call.
  38. Threw phone.
  39. Tried to locate nearest Hermes parcel drop for all the second-hand designer clothes you are going to sell for huge amounts of money.
  40. Cancelled plans.
  41. Sat on bed for ten minutes in a towel. Feeling tired. And then cold.
  42. Wondered about whether or not to buy a dressing gown. Would you wear a dressing gown?
  43. Checked bank balance.
  44. Decided against dressing gown.
  45. Sucked on a vape until ears bled.
  46. Liked every post on Instagram so no one will know you might be depressed.
  47. Went into bathroom and stared at the changing face of you for what felt like a long, long time.
  48. Discussed how much sleep you got with your best friend, work wife, the dog, the stranger on the overground and the Starbucks person (Me: It’s only the fifth coffee, I’m absolutely fine. Narrator: Everything was not absolutely fine.)

I’m Absolutely Fine! The Manual for Imperfect Women is out in paperback now

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