Early morning is a remarkably fertile time for doing many, many things really quite badly. Or, if not badly, then incompletely. Like:
- Ordered online delivery – yes, I am dynamic, I am invisible. Sorry, invincible.
- Decided to go to the theatre.
- Decided the theatre is a stupid idea.
- Put a white wash on. Then cancelled it because left a trail of socks on the stairs. Put it on again. Find a t-shirt in the corridor. Howl.
- Googled house prices. Got distracted by sex scandal. Texted friend about sex scandal.
- Thought about checking bank balance. Too early for depressing news though.
- Tried to find the paper bit of your driver’s licence.
- Opened laptop while eating porridge.
- Dripped the maple syrup on keyboard.
- Called the maple syrup a fucker.
- Wondered if it was OK to have a fourth coffee.
- Wrote a list for the shrink: boundaries, bad back, dead dad.
- Drank Berocca. Can’t afford to get ill.
- Took womany vitamins. Can’t afford to be womany.
- Googled natural anti-anxiety supplements.
- Took vitamin B for…what’s vitamin B for again?
- Emailed accountant about tax return.
- Googled ‘What is a pension?’
- Debated whether or not to cancel plans tonight. Desperate to. Whose turn is it to cancel? Yours or theirs?
- Stared at phone for a bit.
- Set up a WhatsApp family group.
- Regretted instantly.
- Shaved legs sitting in the bath while listening to five minutes of a podcast about American politics. Feel like an authority.
- Stubbed toe on door frame. Called door frame a bastard.
- Cried a little.
- Took ibuprofen for back/period/head/knee/soul pain.
- Decided to get new haircut.
- Changed mind about haircut.
- Fifth coffee?
- Wondered about Ritalin. Everyone seems to be stealing it from teenagers.
- Wondered if there was time to go back to bed for ten minutes.
- Listened to the Today programme for three minutes. Am now fully informed and armed for conversation.
- Took mind off anxiety by spending five minutes on Lakeland.co.uk salivating over hangers with clips on.
- Made plan to upgrade hangers. Will def do that. So going to do that.
- Stared at wardrobe hoping for something stylish and flattering to leap out.
- Phone was buzzing. Searched for phone. Where the fuck is…?
- Found phone. Answered breathlessly. PPI call.
- Threw phone.
- Tried to locate nearest Hermes parcel drop for all the second-hand designer clothes you are going to sell for huge amounts of money.
- Cancelled plans.
- Sat on bed for ten minutes in a towel. Feeling tired. And then cold.
- Wondered about whether or not to buy a dressing gown. Would you wear a dressing gown?
- Checked bank balance.
- Decided against dressing gown.
- Sucked on a vape until ears bled.
- Liked every post on Instagram so no one will know you might be depressed.
- Went into bathroom and stared at the changing face of you for what felt like a long, long time.
- Discussed how much sleep you got with your best friend, work wife, the dog, the stranger on the overground and the Starbucks person (Me: It’s only the fifth coffee, I’m absolutely fine. Narrator: Everything was not absolutely fine.)
I’m Absolutely Fine! The Manual for Imperfect Women is out in paperback now
