selina, julia dreyfus, sleeping, veep, nap, work, falling asleep

21 things you do at work that aren’t work

  1. Check Facebook.
  2. Check Instagram.
  3. Check Twitter.
  4. Check the BBC website.
  5. Repeat.
  6. Have an in-depth telly discussion. Your lack of disgust for incest because you just want Jon and Daenerys to get married/how hot is Tom Burke in Strike/is Sandi Toksvig really working on the new Bake Off/could Debbie McGee actually WIN Strictly?
  7. Go and make a cup of tea with someone even though you don’t want a cup of tea but it’s something to do.
  8. Go for a pee. Go again fifteen minutes later. Worry that it looks weird that you keep peeing. Go again.
  9. Quietly check Instagram again. Feel pleased that busy-looking colleague liked your picture two minutes ago.
  10. Send long emails to friends while making a ‘work’ face.
  11. Answer your phone with, “I can’t really talk, I’m at work,” and then step into the corridor and talk for ages while making a ‘work’ face if anyone walks past you.
  12. Suddenly stop what you’re doing and google ‘Gap jumpers’/‘signs of dementia’/‘no sleep early death’.
  13. Go and fix your make-up. Worry again that people will think you are incontinent so go back to your desk and finish fixing it. Then worry you look lazy and/or vain. Realise literally no one has noticed.
  14. Check Instagram again. Panic when you accidentally play a video with the sound on and everyone briefly stares at you.
  15. Get up when you hear a siren outside. Stand for a long time staring out of the window saying, “My God, that racket – what is going on out there?
  16. Feel immensely sleepy, so get up and walk purposely off somewhere pretending you are doing something just so you can wake up.
  17. Go back to the loo again for a micro sleep. Fall asleep sitting bolt upright for six minutes. Feel cross at how you NEVER feel this tired at night.
  18. Do your cuticles dry with a biro lid.
  19. Check Facebook.
  20. Check Instagram.
  21. Check Twitter. Go for a pee.
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