jane eyre, mia wasikowska, countryside, rural life, country

20 things you never thought you’d say. And then you moved to the country

  1. “Sure, come in and fill up your water bottle.” Even though you are a complete stranger and my nearest neighbour is well out of screaming range.
  2. “But that’s my favourite wheelbarrow.” Because yes, I have four. Who is this barrow lady and how did this happen?
  3. (On greeting travel-weary house guest) “Here’s your room do you have your period if so take these…” *hands over 100 eco sani bags* You are paranoid someone will block the septic tank and yes it was you who laminated the DO NOT FLUSH TAMPONS sign behind the loo.
  4. My hay rake got 59 likes on Instagram.” You own a hay rake. It’s so lovely, look at the curve of the wood and the smooth, rustic prongs. A thing of beauty is a joy…
  5. *mouths hugely exaggerated ‘THANK YOU’ while doing finger salute from steering wheel*. You spend a lot of time fine-tuning your driving hand signals to ensure that you are locally recognised as irreproachably polite.
  6. “Logs at the Shell garage cost HOW MUCH??” You suddenly can’t get over the fact that people spend money buying wood rather than chopping wood. What has the world come to?
  7. “We have central heating!” *says with pride*
  8. “Who put loo rolls in my trug?”
  9. “This log pile is a shambles we need to restack the whole thing for optimum ventilation.” This is how you speak now.
  10. “I’m off for my annual pedicure…” Yes, annual. Because your hooves are in boots every day of the year.
  11. Come over for drinks!” I have no idea who you are but you live within 10 miles of me so you qualify.
  12. “My grinder guy is amazing shall I send him to you when I’ve finished with him?” Sorry Grindr. As in stump grinder. Genuine excitement, this man’s machine can dissolve tree stumps in minutes.
  13. “Chill, it’s just a gunshot.” 10ft from my front door. And I’m not batting an eyelid.
  14. “Get me 50kg of sugar…” Because it’s summer and if it grows I’ll feel compelled to pick it, pickle it, preserve it. Here, take some blackcurrant jam with you. Apple chutney? Raspberry vinegar? Gooseberry coulis? Rowan jelly? TAKE IT.
  15. “Who wants my bath water?” Just watch where you come in the pecking order.
  16. Sorry, can’t make it. I’ll be cutting the grass.” Not rural speak for ‘I’m washing my hair’, you really will spend the best part of the summer on that ride-on.
  17. “Is that a new tractor? It’s sooo… nice…” *attempts jaunty we-country-folk banter* (nonetheless, the local farmer will always regard you with suspicion.)
  18. “Umbrella? Nope, don’t have one.” What’s the point? You do, however, have an umbrella stand stuffed with a random assortment of knobbly walking sticks, carpet beaters and broken tennis rackets.
  19. “Have some dandelion pesto.”
  20. “Check out my chemical backpack!” You own a chemical spray pack. For the war on NETTLES. Bastards.
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