- Decide with a friend that you’re going to turn up in identical clothes. Say absolutely nothing. Then stare at each other suspiciously for the entire meeting.
- If someone leaves the room for any reason, press your finger to one ear and talk into your sleeve as if you were wearing a mic, saying, “The subject is on the move, I repeat, the subject is on the move.”
- Only talk in a baby voice.
- Only talk in a slight citizen-of-the-world accent like Lindsay Lohan.
- Text a colleague saying, ‘Who’s the guy in the strange Victorian frock coat and monocle who just walked in? How come he just walked straight through that table?’
- If you get asked for your opinion on anything, just start singing, “Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl, with yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there.”
- Get a hip flask out of your bag and take a swig. Offer it around. If anyone asks what’s in it, say, “It’s ‘water'” doing speech marks with your fingers (even though it is actually water).
- Every time a question comes up, say, “What would Meryl Streep do?”
- If there are biscuits, stack them up next to you like poker chips, sliding them individually across the table to anyone who has a good idea. At the end of the meeting, put the remaining ones in your handbag.
- Get to the meeting early and put a single Haribo on everyone’s chair.
- Every time someone has finished saying something, say, “YESSSSSS.”
- Answer a question seriously – but file your nails at the same time.
- If someone offers you tea, say, “When you say ‘tea’, what do you mean by that?” Keep insisting you have never heard of it.
- At the end of the meeting, be the only person who doesn’t get up and leave the room. Stay in your seat whispering, “Don’t leave me.”
