bridget jones' baby, renee zellweger, festival, mud, horror

11 things to say when you’re asked to a festival

Maybe you love festivals. Maybe festivals are your jam. Or maybe the thought of going to a festival makes you happy but actually going to a festival? *shudders* So what happens if someone asks you to one… Well the thing is…

  1. You are practising strict sleep hygiene a la Matthew Walker (the world’s top sleep expert) and you need to give yourself a non-negotiable 8-hour sleep opportunity every night, NO EXCUSES. Professor Walker would take a very dim view.
  2. Your therapist is very against you saying yes to anything right now. It is what it is.
  3. You are too concerned that you might bump into everyone you’ve ever slept with. Except the IT guy. Ugh. Not possible.
  4. You have terrible hay fever. So many allergies. To hay and grass and hippies.
  5. Also claustrophobia. Crowds, tents, portaloos…*shakes head*
  6. You have tinnitus from all those totally cool clubbing concert days… ‘Can you hear the ringing?
  7. *checks period app* ‘Oh, no, I’ll be bang in the middle of the rage-y/cry-y/homicidal-y phase, probably safer not to.’
  8. You need to work on your novel. Yes it’s boring but you are really deep into the characterisation now and it would be a shame to disturb your flow. You will be immediately disinvited. No one wants a novelist mid-flow.
  9. You have an anger management course that weekend – work prescribed it, you don’t fucking know why.
  10. You have a 30th/40th/50th/wedding/hen weekend/batmitzvah/christening.
  11. The voices are telling you not to (this is actually true).
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