9 completely undesirable invitations

When you feel like you might be pecked to death by a thousand questions on a daily basis, the last thing you need is invitations you would not leave a burning building for. It’s bad enough being asked to things you SHOULD be accepting – things that interrupt your lovely sofa time and your Instagram stalking. No to all of the below:


1. Local library fundraiser comedy quiz night starring local ventriloquist Edward Laughless.

Really keen on libraries. Leave libraries alone! Protect libraries, you bastards who are trying to close them. Happy to tell people this is how I feel. When the subject comes up. At some point.


2. Your favourite wax bar is having a party. 20% off your next wax

In what way is me having my pubic hair ripped out by the root a party? Although, the discount…


3. Come and support me kick off my 1k charity walk.

I totally support your 1k charity walk. From my bed. While I’m asleep. Good luck.


4. There’s a party in my pants. Do you want to cum?



5. Organic energy ball tasting. With free reiki.

I don’t want to taste your balls. Sorry.


6. Save the Date. August Bank Holiday 2018.

Save your breath.


7. Please join us for a very special day. Our dog-naming ceremony. No presents please, just send donations to the following charity….

Are you serious? Am I being filmed?


8. Still crazy after all these years: Hello class of 1993. The time has come… There’ll be wine.

It will take more than wine


9. Don’t tell the bride!!! Made In Chelsea themed-Ibiza hen weekend/40th… Mums on the run.

Running in the opposite direction. Running and running. Until I reach the Orkney Islands. Then swimming.

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