shocked, surprised, kitty, pussy

10 things to say if you bump into someone you’ve slept with

  1. “Look, you can avoid me all you like, but we need to set a date. My parents want to know if we’re going to have a June wedding or wait until Christmas.” Start asking about fonts for the invitations and suggesting dates in the next couple of weeks for when you should introduce your families to each other.
  2. “Have you been experiencing any unusual itching? Or, you know, burning or anything (whisper) down there?” Have a little scratch as you’re saying it. A wince might be nice too.
  3. “I LOVE YOU.” Immediately pretend to start crying.
  4. “Johnny! No, wait – Jack! I meant Jamie! Jesse! Joe?” Refuse to be interrupted until you have gone through as many J related names as you can think of. Finish by saying, “Steve?”
  5. “Er, hello, you left without paying.” Put an expectant palm out.
  6. “You might have told me there was someone else – don’t deny it, I’ve been looking at your Facebook. Who the HELL is that girl from 2007?” Look dangerous.
  7. “Excited about us moving in together! You’re not allergic to cats or dust are you?” Talk extensively about how you’ve asked your flatmate to move out and that you won’t tolerate wet towels on the bathroom floor.
  8. “It’s OK, my husband’s back from Special Forces training, but he doesn’t know a thing.” Look nervously over both your shoulders.
  9. “Can you make sure you empty the dishwasher before you leave next time? It’ll help me feel less disappointed.” Why not suggest he orders you a pizza too.
  10. “That was the sluttiest thing I’ve ever done when are you next free?” Release your pheromones.
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