We used to be warriors. Now we’re amoebas. When did the tiny things get so hard? Things like…
- Clothes: If it’s not elasticated or fleece-lined, it’s not going on.
- Constant online shopping: All this compulsive online shopping – otherwise known as a nice present to yourself in the post just to remind you you’re alive. That weird summer dress that makes you look like a child prostitute. A pair of almost dangerous-looking earrings for all the non-existent parties. Obviously, they all need to be returned…but the effort. The EFFORT. Maybe they’ll be good for fancy dress?? Some day???
- Hair: Roots down to our ears. Split ends drifting on the breeze. Even Struwwelpeter would have had a problem with this look.
- Books: Now would be a good time to improve ourselves. Proust, Rothman, Angelou – they’re all waiting patiently. Words, though. There are just so many of them on the page, it’s exhausting.
- Cupboard mayhem: We seem to be accumulating stuff with all this hanging around at home. Cupboards are now heaving with THINGS. Things we might need because life has become extremely unpredictable. A strong bunker mentality is developing and opening cupboards is now like a precarious game of Jenga – will it topple? Will it hold? Can you bring yourself to sort it out? Fuck, no.
- Returning calls: You love your oldest friend to the core of her soul. She has tried to call and left you a sweet message (texted, obviously – she knows the no voicemail rule, she’s not a barbarian). And now it’s three days since you didn’t return it. Friendship paralysis has ignited. No idea why. Think it over as you have another biscuit.
- Eating the same things over and over: Now that all our lives solely revolve around eating, it would be a good idea to mix things up a bit. To look forward to cooking something new and delicious in the evenings. But no. Why make something different when you could just eat the same thing over and over as if you were a robot who is simply programmed to refuel?
- Exercise: Don’t be silly, what’s wrong with you?
- Make-up: There is very much a cave-painting pre-historic man vibe to the rare occasions on which you are currently wearing make-up. You can’t draw any kind of line now, let alone over your brows or eyelids. You can’t even hold a pencil properly. It’s just too hard.
- Cleaning: Sometimes you have to pick your battles. Some rooms are more underused than others. They don’t HAVE to be AS clean as everywhere else. Please can we just lie down now?
