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10 terrible things that have happened in a yoga class

  1. That time I moved a towel out of the way with my foot to make way for my mat, thinking it had been left by the class before and a cross woman crossly hissed, “You kicked my towel!!!” And Namaste to you.
  2. That time our yoga teacher knocked the big clock off the wall during a sun salutation and the whole thing shattered around the numerous pairs of vulnerable bare feet. Spent the whole class watching tiny, dangerous and minute shards of glass glinting in the light, even after someone had come to sweep it up.
  3. The same cross woman from towel-gate complaining to the teacher that she was asking us to do positions that were too advanced and everyone dying of awkwardness.
  4. The terrible, moaning, sweating man who spent the whole class sounding like he was dragging a plane every time he changed position.
  5. The cruelty of old age and the flatulence that accompanies it when the older members bend over and you are ABSOLUTELY EXPECTED NOT TO LAUGH.
  6. The time one teacher said, “If you can control your anus, you can control your mind” and my friend and I laughed for the remaining 90 minutes.
  7. Trying to do feather pose where you basically do a handstand except you’re balancing on your forearms and I just slid sideways down the wall like a collapsing building and grazed my hip.
  8. Doing an apparently innocuous sitting twist and hearing the pop of what turned out to be an intercostal muscle flipping over one of my ribs. It feels like you’ve been stabbed. And you can’t breathe. Or move.
  9. Crying during relaxation when I was supposed to be imagining myself as a clear jug of water.
  10. When I was literally agonisingly mounted by one of my teachers during a forward bend and was to embarrassed/ashamed to shout, “GET OFF ME” because I didn’t want to be exposed for having hamstrings that are tighter than I make out.
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