1. Black Beauty
Black Beauty would have understood you when no one else did. Black Beauty would have read your innermost thoughts with her sensitive horse brain. You could have cantered your anger away, riding as one o’er hill and dale instead of storming off to McDonald’s to sulk and eat chips.
Ideally he’d be around today to depose Donald Trump by intercepting intel between Russian banks and the Trump organisation and releasing recordings of illegal conversations about sanctions etc.
3. Rolly from EastEnders
He dodged the glasses thrown at Den’s head and the doors slammed in Angie’s face. This genuinely massive poodle saw it all. The stories he could tell you.
4. Two Socks from Dances with Wolves
Two Socks would take a bullet for you. Would you have been able to say that about your best friend? She wouldn’t even let you copy her science homework.
5. Sebastian the crab from The Little Mermaid.
A crab who would have stopped you getting crabs by singing you advisory reggae songs so that you didn’t shag the wrong boys.
7. Marcel in Friends
“Marcel, fetch my shoes.” “Marcel, put the radio on.” “Marcel, go and get me a drink from the kitchen.” “Marcel, charm the bouncer so I can get into this club.” Like a servant, but better.
Eddie seemed intelligent enough to have been able to write your thesis for you at university, leaving you more time to get drunk and have dissatisfying sex with all those misunderstood boys who quoted Byron and were missing the empathy gene.
“Lassie, how did you know I lied about getting an A in my French test? Have you been… reading my diary?”
That dog had the power to melt even Mrs Mangel’s heart. Think what he could have done to heal yours after Take That broke up/Leonardo DiCaprio was (murdered) died in Titanic/Denise left the Big Breakfast.