looney tunes, end credits, that's all folks, the end

10 conversation killers

For when you need to shut things down…

  1. When eating a mini roast beef canapé, say, “If you chew slowly enough you can hear the cow’s soul
  2. “Sorry, I just have to take this call outside – it’s Downing Street.”
  3. Start crying with no explanation.
  4. “I have a sex tape – want to see it?” (get your phone out)
  5. “What’s your favourite emoji? Let’s go through them and score each one out of ten.”
  6. “Who wants to get really drunk? First one to barf wins a mystery prize.”
  7. “Shut your eyes and count to ten and I’ll go and hide.” Then leave.
  8. Push someone down the stairs.
  9. “I’ve given up sugar and here’s why I think you should too.”
  10. “Did you know artificial strawberry flavouring is made from the anal glands of a beaver?”
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