mr bean, sexy, wooing, chat up lines, tinder, dating, bantz, tinder batz

The worst online chat-up lines

Online dating is a terrible minefield, recently proven to be dishearteningly pointless. But maybe you are out there. And perhaps you are currently, maybe even this minute, sorting out your profile picture/essay/opening conversational gambit. You need to be flirty, funny, possibly with a cat. No, not with a cat… are you mad? Let’s try a dog. Must look look fit/outdoorsy/relaxed/sexy. Don’t forget sexy. But not like you are trying. Not really bothered. Maybe a bit bothered but not desperate. But it’s not over once you’ve got a match. Say hello to the torture of Tinder bantz. I can’t believe I wrote bantz. Sorry. So Distractify published attempts at seductive sweet talking that may make you feel better about yourself and your own patter. Hopefully. Of course, they may just make you feel afraid.

I love the fact that you reply within seconds
I love the fact that you reply at all

Holy guacamole, hi there
Listen I’ll be honest with you, in the future with your next match do NOT use holy guacamole. You are a good-looking guy but that killed it, I am allergic to guacamole and you
Nice choice of words. Bravo avocado

Are you short?
Damn, I am a lot tahlur

Wanna hear a pickup line
Yeah sure
Are you a hen because you are eggsactly what I’m looking for
Well I’d consider myself more an egg, cause I’m looking to get laid

Hey what you up to?
Not much you? [actually said NM U but what are we, savages?]
Playing with my dick
Gd 2 know
N nothing weird like that, my younger brother’s name is Dick
Yeah, I was just wanking him off

So what were you doing up at 3am?
Just was unable to sleep
I had an amazing dream last night about food
I see
Luckily my chicken wasn’t as dry as this conversation.

Good luck one and all. Remember it’s all just practice. Until it’s for real. You’ll know.

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