victor moore, marilyn monroe, seven year itch, bath scene, bubble bath

When baths go wrong

Clothes off, bath on – rates high in the coming home stakes. It’s the 7pm equivalent of finding a fiver in a coat pocket or a weirdly large parking space. That totally satisfying equation of bath oil + heat  + drink + book = chilled AF. There will surely be a science to our individual routines. A Venn diagram or pie chart or something infographic.

So pity the woman who got her calculations spectacularly wrong, as seen on Distractify. She posted this plea for help on a website: “I am stuck in a bath. I can’t actually get out of my bath tub. Why? I’ve got a chest infection and some fever so I’m home sick. I also can’t turn my head. Took some antibiotics and a Valium and thought – I will have a relaxing bath.”

Antibiotics are a kind of frenemy. Very much against our better judgement (THE HUMAN RACE WILL BECOME IMMUNE AND EXTINCT), we gobble them like acai berries at the first sign of a something. Because who has time to be ill? Antibiotics plus Valium starts to feel like a heady cocktail of meds and all begins to become clear when our bath lady remembers something about coconut oil. “Lit some candles and poured in some coconut oil – now I am realising it was too much coconut oil. Went to get out after pulling the plug and I just slide around like a giant greased up potato in a roasting dish. There is no traction. No grip. Just me and my fat body slipping around covered in oil. Fuck home beauty remedies. SOS.”

Hopefully the Valium will have worn off by now and she will have just filled the bath back up and crawled out. Or been lifted out by a non-judgemental fireman. Or found some salt or something. Or lassooed the door handle with her dressing gown belt. Or she might still be there. Hope she’s not too chilly. We’ve all had those days.

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