Five Midult fantasies
- You interview Leonardo DiCaprio and he falls in love with you. “I never knew it could be like this,” he says, deleting all the supermodel contacts from his phone. “I am so hot for you AND intellectually stimulated.” You move to LA, where Leo encourages you to investigate your humanitarian side – you end up teaching Dr Dre the serenity prayer to help him with his problems. You calmly address Lindsay Lohan’s citizen of the world accent and graciously deal with Bradley Cooper’s increasingly obvious feelings for you.
- Broadway. You are alone on stage under a single spotlight. You start to sing ‘My Man’ from Funny Girl, sounding exactly like Barbra Streisand, if not slightly better, thin, pale and stunning in an incredible Oscar de la Renta dress. You get so into character, that tears start to spring from your eyes. And yet, your performance remains staggering. The show MUST go on. Everyone in the audience is crying – they are on their feet, applauding before you’ve even reached your big crescendo. “This will go down in history,” everyone says. An Oscar nomination, win and repeat performance quickly follows.
- You are a wild card middle-distance runner at the Olympics – such a natural talent that the other nations start to become a bit jealous and suspicious. In the 800-metre final, you are knocked down by a vindictive French opponent – the crowd gasps in shock – but you rise up, with a broken wrist and fiery determination as you power with superhuman speed to catch up with the other runners. Willed by the roar of the crowd (it’s a home game obviously) you slowly gain on your adversary – overtaking them seconds before the line, only to collapse from the exertion. You are the greatest hero in British sport, a bastion of everything this country stands for – so important, the Queen gives you your gold medal. The BBC play ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ over the special film they make of you winning.
- You give birth to a child who goes on to discover the cure for baldness and cervical cancer. “I owe everything to my mother,” the now adult child says when they collect the Nobel Prize. “She always believed in me. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have overcome all of life’s obstacles to become a multi-millionaire baldness and cancer expert.” You tour the world, giving empowering talks on the power of belief, held up as the most important mother in history.
- You are a consultant criminal psychologist, who breezes onto crime scenes in a haze of Chanel No 5 and Alexander McQueen (you’re a rich consultant criminal psychologist because of your hugely successful and intellectually challenging novels based on real experiences that have been turned into a critically acclaimed film franchise). The startling accuracy of your profiles means the criminal is caught quickly. “You’re going down for a very, very long time,” you calmly tell him as he rages, rattling his handcuffs at you. You make the world a safer place.