Same woman. Same booze. Different effect. Welcome to the lottery of drunkenness, the chocolate box of drunkenness, the russian roulette of drunkenness. Who knows what tonight will bring…
Drunk and on electrifying form
The unicorn of drunkenness – where you actually turn into a Netflix comedy hit version of yourself, regaling the room with sensational stories, fuelled by your alcohol-charged confidence. You’re the person who suggests the hilarious games, who starts the dancing, who will make a tit of themselves in a way that is nothing but charming and self-deprecating. You are the delightful drunk, impressing everyone with your well-timed jokes and winning outrageousness.
Drunk and crying
The crying will inevitably start with a self-indulgent statement that no one can answer without making the tears worse: “You all think I’m a twat.”/“You’re all so much more successful than me.”/”I never had piano lessons when I was little, like my sister did, and now she’s married and I’m not.” It’s like you’ve let all your demons out of the cave at once and have offered yourself up to the room for a therapy session they want no part in. Someone should take you home.
Drunk and touchy
Sometimes you get drunk and just want to pick a fight. Everything sounds inflammatory to you, which makes you deliberately provocative and immediately argumentative. You are suddenly the one who wants to unpick every sentence: “Wait, what do you MEAN by that?” and will find offence in something as innocuous as being told you look good tonight: “Oh, I look good ‘tonight’, do I? Because, what? I usually look like shit?” Harder to navigate than a field full of mines.
Drunk and accidentally at a cultural event
Suddenly the naked willies in the art are the funniest thing you’ve ever seen IN. YOUR. LIFE.
Drunk and tired
When Cinderella syndrome strikes, you feel you must vacate the premises immediately. You might be in the middle of a conversation where you just get up and leave with your interlocutor trailing off in mid-sentence. You might manage to fumble out, “I can’t be here,” at best, but it’s the kind of moment where manners abandon you and home magically calls like Mr Rochester to Jane Eyre across the moors. You must obey before you go to sleep standing up, like a horse.
So drunk you’re imperceptibly drunk
The strange, almost celestial stillness that accompanies the truly drunk. It’s like your brain has been bundled off to a locked room while your body goes into code red crisis talks about what to do with you. Should they make you puke? Should they just shut you down? What is to be done with you? While this goes on, you take on the appearance of someone strangely normal and calm. Sweet and inoffensive, patient and easy-going – as if life just became incredibly simple.