If you had your way, you’d still be watching T4 at the weekends with a raging hangover. There is an almost nostalgic quality to skinny jeans – as if you’re just not prepared to believe anything has really changed – probably because you’re an ‘If it ain’t broke’ kind of person. You’ve had the same haircut since you were sixteen and you still have a crush on Brandon Flowers.
You harbour a secret desire to move to Cornwall and become a prawn fisherman, hauling on nets and letting your hair go all mermaidy in the salty air. The reason it’s a secret, of course, is that you are actually extremely urban, love make-up and get freaked out when you see mice on the underground.
You have always wanted to look like the mom in Jaws who was married to Chief Brody and wore headscarves and hoop earrings with her peachy bottom-encasing jeans and now your dream has come true. You like to carry a basket instead of a handbag and you have dream catchers in every room of your house.
Your go-to look is a long furry gilet, gypsy top and bootcut jeans with heels. So it’s not still 1998 – like you care about that. Everyone says Sienna Miller’s boho look is old hat, but what do they know? You love a low-slung belt and you’re not ashamed to say so. You never leave the house without your Mac Spice lipliner and you have seen All Saints perform several times since they reformed.
You are basically a Parisian ingénue at heart, skipping along the pavements in your striped tops, cropped jeans and ballet pumps, clutching a copy of Thérèse Raquin under your arm. You long for a pixie crop like Jean Seberg, but you worry your head is too massive and that people will just think you got drunk and did it yourself.
What? Everyone has those ripped knee jeans, don’t they? It’s the thing now, isn’t it? Why are those rips there, you’re asking? And don’t I think it looks weird that I have two bare knees just poking out? Why did I pay for torn clothing? Well, I… er…