1. High-tech matching two-part kit in the same pattern
You have started eating Chia seeds but you have absolutely no idea what they’re supposed to do. You are reading On The Road by Jack Kerouac but you have absolutely no idea what is happening. You have told people you are doing HIIT classes, but you have absolutely no idea what that means. This is your first time at the gym. Ever.
2. Boot-cut yoga pants
You did yoga in your 20s, when you had long armpit hair and were sleeping with your homeopath. You used to pose naked for a bi-polar artist while stoned in your 30s. You have recently taken up yoga again. Although you always spark up a fag straight after a class…
3. Cropped bra tops
You are deeply ambitious and work out every day before you go to the office. You showed no emotion when your cat died and ended your four-year relationship with your boyfriend for getting the wrong haircut. You think The Notebook is the worst film you have ever seen. The cross-trainer makes you feel safe.
4. A slogan t-shirt, probably with a Rolling Stone lyric on it
You believe to the very bottom of your soul that Lycra is naff. In fact you can only go to the gym if you convince yourself that you are actually at a rock concert: The soundtrack to your workout is Soundgarden/Metallica/Pink Floyd. You haven’t had a drink in twenty years and are currently working on your deltoids.
5. Baggy Adidas tracksuit bottoms
You went to the gym on a whim. Fifteen minutes earlier, you were fast asleep, dreaming about serving brownies to Homeland’s Peter Quinn on a plane that is plummeting to the earth. You will still be wearing the same tracksuit bottoms the day after tomorrow. Haven’t quite got passed the ambling stage on the running machine. You never smell.
6. A leotard over some footless tights
You love photography! You vape with your kids and cry when you listen to Joni Mitchell records. You are the one person in your yoga class who can do a tripod headstand, and the only thing you can cook is chilli. And pancakes.