40 year old virgin, first time having sex, what not to do, first time, sex, relationships

What not to do the first time you sleep with someone

  1. Cry.
  2. Laugh.
  3. Roll your eyes.
  4. Talk about food.
  5. Talk about Donald Trump.
  6. Get out a notebook and mutter, ‘Number seventy five – strange noises, but can’t argue with his enthusiasm’ as you write.
  7. Let’s take a selfie!
  8. “I love you.”
  9. What’s your name again?
  11. “Am I the best you’ve ever had?”
  12. Shall I call you a cab?
  13. “When do I move in?”
  14. Can’t WAIT for you to meet my parents.
  15. “Oh well, maybe it’ll be better next time.”
  16. Start reading a book.
  17. Ask him to empty the dishwasher.
  18. Ask him to make you a sandwich.
  19. Make a phone call and describe exactly what just happened to your friend in front of him.
  20. Call your mother.
  21. Go to the bathroom and text him: ‘Can you be gone by the time I come out?
  22. “You seem familiar… Do you have a brother?”
  23. “You seem familiar… Do you look like your father?”
  24. Immediately have a shower saying, “Dirty girl, horrible, horrible, dirty girl.”
  25. “Well, that’s an hour I’ll never get back.”
  26. Well, that’s three minutes I’ll never get back.”
  27. “Who was that incredibly handsome man you were talking to at dinner? Is he seeing anyone?”
  28. “Again. NOW!”
  29. I just don’t think this is going to work.
  30. “So it’s true. Losing your virginity is as grim as people say…”
  31. “The irony is, I think you’d really get on with my husband.”
  32. Get out your vibrator and say, “Some things need to be left to the professionals.”
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