1. Flat white
You drive in the slow lane of the motorway and you like listening to audiobooks of Philip Roth novels. You are secretly obsessed with The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and you talk about your shrink more than you talk about your children.
3. Soya latte
You have a very short temper, are brilliant at skiing and can speak five languages. You get on incredibly well with your father and your husband is terrified of you. You don’t own a TV, you rule your accountant with a rod of iron and you swear like a builder.
You like giving people handmade presents – goat’s milk soap, tea tin candles, handkerchiefs embroidered with witty things the recipient has said. You only watch black and white films and you only have black and white photos in your house. You’re still friends with everyone you’ve ever slept with.
Remember that time you gave up coffee and as a result your husband left you, your mother told you never to call her again, you made a traffic warden cry, all your plants died and your cat ran away and was never seen again? They’re all trying to forget it too.
6. Caramel Frappuccino with whipped cream
You like telling people your dreams and you believe crop circles are the result of alien activity. You feel sad and confused when it snows and manic when it’s windy. You took hallucinogenic drugs when you were at university and sometimes you can still see that giant white rabbit wearing a cape in the herb aisle in Waitrose that first appeared to you at a trance party.
7. Black filter coffee
You wear leopard print leggings to yoga and you’ve had a pension plan since you were 19. You dye your hair a completely different colour once a year and you smoke rollies. Terrible cook, brilliant at Backgammon.