elf, will ferrell, shocked, christmas plans, wtf

‘What are your Christmas plans?’

  1. “You’re asking the wrong person. I will be in full hibernation in a cardboard box under my bed by then and won’t emerge again until early spring 2018.”
  2. “Every day is Christmas day. You would be a lot happier if you thought like me.”
  3. “I will be drunk for the whole of December, so that’s really an impossible question to answer.”
  4. (Looking at the floor) “Under his eye. Blessed be the fruit. Thank you, Aunt Lydia. Yes, Mrs Waterford.”
  5. “Sorry, are you HIGH? Stop wishing your life away, it’s creepy.”
  6. “I will be in church praying for your soul.”
  7. “I will be chained to the kitchen fulfilling every stereotype going in order to fit in with society’s construct of what a woman should be doing at Christmas, whilst simultaneously realising that every pointless present I open demonstrates the zero knowledge my family has of who I am. What are you doing?”
  8. “I’m going to Narnia. I find dropping a Xanax with my mulled wine gets me there quite quickly. Can’t wait to be in the snow…” (look wistful, maybe twitch a bit)
  9. “I will be spending Christmas feeling incredibly grateful for my friends, family and life and giving back as much as possible. I’m hoping this will help everyone feel more generously towards me when I tell them I didn’t have time to do any Christmas shopping. Who needs STUFF anyway?
  10. “Wait – Christmas? In my mind, it’s still the summer of 1990, where Partners in Kryme are number one, a new model called Claudia Schiffer is on the cover of Sky magazine and I’ve just been to see Flatliners at the cinema.”
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