black and white, cat, kitten, pussy, cute, close up

What do you call it (in a sexy way)?

There are about a million different words for vagina and none of them are satisfactory. Especially when it comes to sex. I mean, it’s one thing teaching your daughter about her parts and trying to give them a friendly name but what do you (or he or she) call it in a sexy way? Welcome to my lady garden? No. Touch my twinkle? Are you insane?

And what can you tolerate someone saying to you? Can I play with your pussy? HELP.

It’s tough this one. The men have got dick and cock, even penis can be hot at a push. A big push. But what have we got? A lot of words. And yet, nothing. Nada. Zip.

Our vast vagina vocabulary is based on the fact that parents can’t bear the word ‘vagina’. So cute words are invented daily to take the sting out of the thing. But no self-respecting grown-up woman, when trying to exercise some control in the bedroom, is going to direct their partner to her foufou, cha-cha or noonie. Then there’s the teenage boy beef-curtain, kebab nonsense which should never really have happened.

So let’s have a look at other options. Like the mid-range words: front-bottom? It’s the worst. Fanny anyone? Vag? And vagina itself which, however you vajazzle or reclaim it, is just clinical as hell. Strong. Beautiful. Resilient. Clinical.

As for the comedy ones: puss in boots, honey pot, vajayjay, punani – at some point you are wanting to be hot, sexy and maybe taking what is happening vaguely seriously and you don’t want anyone impersonating  Ali G near your G-spot. You might even be trying to have ‘forever’ sex.

Now for the harder stuff. Maybe you can handle the porn talk of sepia-tinted pussy (and you kind of know that’s what your Dad called it. Oh God. I’m now closed for good). Cunt always feels slightly tinged with hate (largely because we use it so much in our daily lives, particularly while driving) and snatch? A man who says snatch is going to be bad in bed. What’s the answer? Until we find it, maybe just point…

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