netflix, you, finger, pointing, choose your own ending

TV’s latest horror story

There’s a terrible rumour going around that Netflix is developing a feature where you can choose how the plot unfolds. Manufacture your own happy endings. Or sad ones.

Netflixecutives say they are developing a feature where your remote control could be deployed to select different narratives. Actors would film multiple segments and it would be up to us to put them together. Yes, exactly like those adventure books you had as a child. “Do you go into the spooky house or into the forest?” MWAHAHA. And even they were rubbish. You were 8 (ish). And you knew they were rubbish. You knew that it was just not the point of storytelling.

Maybe this will appeal to your inner control freak. You know, she who *quietly* directs the traffic at all times. Yes, we have found ourselves shouting at the television, “Don’t go through that door,” or, “You can’t kiss that horrible man,” but we don’t really want to play TV God. What we want is someone to else make the decisions for us. Please. Begging now.

There is an overwhelming deluge of questions thrown at us every single day. There are the internal ones, “Are you feeling anxious yet? You should. Also have you done the grocery shop? Maybe I should suggest a restructure of the marketing division?”, to the external ones, “What’s for supper? Can I borrow your car? Do you think I have cancer? Can you sign this document?

Telly is our safe – decision-free once we have finally decided what to watch – place. And if our safe place starts asking, “What should happen to this character?” it stops being safe. Frankly the answer will be, “This character should lie down for long periods of time with no one asking them any questions.” Just tell us a damn story.

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