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Tiny ways to be outrageous

When Phoebe Waller-Bridge recently collected her BAFTA for Fleabag, she thanked her mother in her speech for having always said to her, “Darling, you can be whatever you want as long as you’re outrageous.” Here are some tiny ways for Midults to take up the baton:

1. Stay up past ten

Remember that world that didn’t open for business until after 10pm? (It’s still there) You could dip your toe in it again… let the sleeping beast out of the cage…

2. Initiate sex

Shock all involved parties by vibing Beyoncé and suggesting you get drunk on love in the middle of the day instead of having a conversation about what sort of sandwiches you’re thinking about for lunch. You could try waking him up in the middle of the night (might need to set an alarm) or NOT be angry if he wakes you up. Mind-blowing.

3. Add an extra hour to the cleaner

Anyone else feeling slightly aroused at how clean the inside of their fridge would be with this extra time dedicated to the stuff that usually gets left out?

4. Have Deliveroo every night for a week

No more Chinese or Indian debates. All parties appeased. All parties fed like fattened calves. No washing up. No arguments about how to stack the dishwasher. Just a package handed to you as if you were Madonna and had a personal chef.

5. Take a Valium at 9am and tell everyone you didn’t sleep

All the accoutrements of no sleep – slurred words, heavy eyes, confusion, yawning – but with lovely feelings of Valium-induced ‘It’s all going to be fiiiiiine’ instead of ‘Shoot me now’.

6. Smoke in bed even if you gave up in 1997

Ignore any rising suspicions that this is disgusting and imagine you are Alexis Colby. Did she ever question her choices? No she did not.

7. Start emailing like a teenager

Write to colleagues, in-laws – anyone formal you can think of – using copious emojis and abbreviated text language. ‘See u later’ ‘That sounds gr8!’ ‘TBH, that presentation was thumbsdownemoji IMHO’ Sign off with the face kissing heart emoji. Throw in an unexplained aubergine every now and then.

8. Just have as much coffee as you want – all day every day

So you’ll be totally insane and probably impossible. At least you’ll be happy.

9. Wear a wig to see your therapist

Turn up to therapy wearing a wig of your choice – something that’s in stark contrast to your own hair. Explain that it’s really helping you think like a different person.

10. Eat bread

11. Stop what you’re doing and go to sleep when you feel like it

Imagine not having to battle the post-insomnia energy drop at 3pm. Imagine just thinking, ‘OK, I’ll go to sleep now on the sofa/under my desk at work/in this board meeting.’ Heaven.

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