You’ve given up EVERYTHING. Booze (mostly). Drugs (mostly). Cruel men. You are not even sure that you can eat steak anymore. It makes you feel like an anaconda that’s swallowed a cow. But don’t worry, tiny little doses of adrenaline are buried in the day to day. Tiny, dangerous thrills in situations like…
Being really honest
Imagine the tingle you’d get experimenting with brutal honesty. “Do you like this top?” Hideous. “Do you like my husband?” Hideous. “What are thinking about right now?” How to spend my impending Euromillions win.
Asking for a pay rise
Maybe you are already brilliantly and equally paid (ha, ha, ha. Sorry). But, just for the hell of it, go and ask someone – anyone – for more money. 1. Your heart rate will rise to the equivalent of a 10K run. 2. You might get some money. (*laughs/cries for another hour*)
Plucking a chin hair with your nails
Do you remember the satisfaction of popping a spot and the pus splatting against the mirror? The thrill of such disgust? Now you get it when you grasp one of those wiry little fuckers and give it a successful yank.
Finding a bag for life in the boot of the car
When you really need one. Is there anything that makes you feel more like you are in control than a bag for life at the right time. Automatic tightening of the pelvic floor. Obviously this never happens: the bag or the floor.
Remembering to take all your supplements for a whole day
You are going to live forever, WHAT A RUSH. You haven’t wasted another £68.99 because of something you read about fish oils and Alzheimer’s. You can almost see your hair thickening and your nails growing.
When you’re two thirds of the way through a haircut
Clearly a mistake. Oh holy hell. No going back. Can’t voice worries as don’t want hairdresser to hate me. Sticking to chair. Picking at cuticles. Will it be alright? Won’t it? At this point, who can say????
Where the fuck is my, oh there it is…
The bit before you kiss for the first time
“Is it going to happen? I can’t bear it. Oh my God it’s actually going to happen. My heart is about to explode. It’s HAPPENING.”
When something still fits
Just before you step into the dress/trousers/jeans/jumpsuit that you haven’t worn in 2018 (or 17/16/15)… You are a gambler, all sweaty palms on the zip, will it or won’t it?
DID YOU LEAVE THE GAS ON/LOCK THE DOOR/REMEMBER TO SET THE ALARM?
And whoosh… FULL BODY PULSE. (You’re welcome. Also sorry)