Watching Call The Midwife
Oh yes you are in the mood for a bit of period drama, got the urge for a bit of nostalgia. Oh look why not watch Call The Midwife? It’s on Netflix. It will feel like a lovely hug, warm and so… what the fuck why are you howling? Why you are on your knees begging for the sadness to subside? What have you done to yourself?
You haven’t been on a trampoline for years, and actually you do fancy a cheeky boing, your star jumps were much admired at the local sports centre back in the day. You wonder what it would feel like to boun…shit. You’ve wet yourself.
Drinking decaf coffee
Just deceiving yourself. One cup at a time.
Wearing high heels on a date
Yes, you have to. It’s a first date. Forget that you can only walk in them at a snail’s pace, forget that you can’t stand for long periods of time, forget your dodgy knee. But it’s a date. So you have to.
Doing a software update on your phone
Let’s say your battery is a bit crap. How about a software reboot says an Apple smurf? One that deletes all your apps. All your texts. Do you remember your passwords? Any of them? All the data. Gone. If you talk about the lost photos you’ll cry.
Of course the end result will be wonderful and you will stare at your newly painted room/new back door/kitchen extension with love. But until then the dust, the mess, the stuff everywhere, did we say mess? The disruption is so intense that you wonder if anything is ever going to be the right way again. Ever.
Staying up past 10
Why did you do this? *shakesheadindespair*
Something to ward off this new chill. Something that feels like self-care. A gorgeous bowl of porridge. And yet, what is this slimy sensation? What is this thing expanding in my stomach? What is this thing sitting on the hips, actually not sitting, clinging. Also it’s 9:45am and you are suddenly STARVING.