1. “Can I have a Rachel?”
The essential nature of having the most ubiquitous feather cut of the decade.
2. “Can I have a Hooch?”
Struggling to remember why it was a good idea to drink something that tasted of an alcoholic version of a scented lemon hand-wipe – and yet, at the height of its popularity in the mid-nineties, it was selling 2.5 million bottles A WEEK. Guys. We drank A LOT of Hooch.
When you thought you were Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes from TLC.
When you thought you were LL Cool J.
When you thought you were Brian Harvey from East 17.
7. “I’m ringing from my mobile, so I can’t talk long.”
The incredible sophistication of having a mobile phone. The even more incredible expense.
8. “I’m getting a hi-fi for my birthday.”
The bulkiest, heaviest, most over complicated piece of equipment that was basically like a brain (i.e. you only ever utilised about 2% of what it was apparently capable of).
9. “I made you this mix-tape.”
Probably on your new hi-fi with its double tape deck. The mix tape was almost the perfect present. The personal nature of the song choices and the messages written inside the casing, all in a neat little package. Digital playlists are like the hologram girlfriend Ryan Gosling has in Blade Runner. Fine in theory, but nothing you can hold onto.
10. “It’s OK, I taped TFI Friday last night.”
The one where they had Robbie Williams on singing Angels and Denise van Outen as a guest with her spiky hair making suggestive remarks about her relationship with Johnny on the Big Breakfast. All captured on video – until your brother recorded Match of the Day over it and (in a world of no catch up) you LOST YOUR SHIT.
11. “I’ve lost my floppy disk!!!”
You typed up your dissertation in the university computer room and saved it to a floppy disk and then you had a drink to celebrate and then you got REALLY drunk and had sex with your cute tall friend in the Tribe Called Quest t-shirt who was reading Theology and the next thing was, you’d woken up in your lime green Morgan dress with half an hour to file your dissertation and NO FLOPPY DISK, fuuuuuuuuuuck.
12. “Let’s go to Blockbusters.”
And then stand around for forty five minutes disagreeing on whether you should rent Armageddon or Flatliners as the Cookies and Cream Haagen Dazs you’ve been holding the whole time slowly starts to melt. You then have a full-blown row and strop off to your Renault 5 to drive home in silence.