things we use our phone for other than calling, i'm sorry i didn't answer when you called, i don't use it for that, alternative uses, mobile, life hacks

Things you use your phone for…

Face-checker

Don’t you mean a mirror? No. This is no mere mirror. This one has zoom. You can also take topless selfies and other selfies to check what your bits are doing. From all different angles. Good, bad and completely terrible.

Time-waster

Need to fill in a form, write a strategy report, catch a train, speak to a demanding friend? Pah.

Depressant

You know, when you are feeling too upbeat, oppressively cheerful, really in control of the world, just take a dip into the social media waters and feel the familiar flood of anxiety rush in. Aaaah.

Daily brain teaser

Screw you Sudoku. We prefer to play this brain game: where is my phone? Where is my phone? Where is my fucking phone? This also counts as an…

…Adrenaline-spiker

Like exercise but without having to do anything except worrying about where the phone is – apart from running round the house sweating, tearing up the sofa and throwing everything out of the laundry basket, opening the fridge several times. So actually, nearly exercise.

Way to get out of awkward conversations (ironically)

“I am sorry I just have to *waves phone* call my doctor/parent/bank/boss/lover/someone is calling/dying/crying/in danger.”

Fluffer

Oh look at that neat little 3-bedroom cottage on Zoopla, you know they are going to build the Eurostar to very near there at some point, and you can do an extension, say it again, extension. Side return. Off street parking. Ready or not here I come…

Lie generator

I am happy #blessed, relaxed #om, groomed #PUBES, my life is immaculate #biglittlelies.

Ejector seat

Uber!

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