Non-air conditioned tubes
The underground is a miraculous invention. We all know and appreciate that. And yet, as soon as the temperatures rise, we are forced to experience… just all of the sweat. Your sweat, my sweat, their sweat. Everyone inhaling and experiencing the sweat. Guys, we can put people on the moon – surely we can have air conditioning to save us from our shame on all tubes?
What a terrible, illogical idea. Awake in the day, asleep at night – that’s the design. Deviating from that serves no purpose other than to scramble your brain and life. What’s the point of lying in bed for four hours, completely awake, crying, and watching Adele’s Carpool Karaoke on your phone for the seventh time? There isn’t one! Stop it now!
Five finger trainers
So, so, so creepy. No one wants to see your evil, singled out toes. Just put on some Nikes like a normal person and stop giving us all nightmares.
Digestives with no chocolate on them
And your point is?
Er, hello? They’re made of denim, like all the non-expensive jeans. Why are we paying hundreds of pounds for denim? Are we all on drugs? Silly.
Fruit in salads
Why is there apple in this salad? How did that raisin get there? Omg, is that a GRAPE? Fruit has its own type of salad. The clue is in the title –it’s called a fruit salad. Do not get involved in a savoury situation, fruit. Computer says no.
Going to a gig and recording it on your phone.
Remember when you were allowed to store experiences as a memory in your brain by actually, you know, experiencing them? Ie watching the actual performance in real life with your eyes and not through a tiny screen?
It was all so much fun until this bit. Thanks for that.
Please God, no. And take February with you while you’re about it.