never ever, don't, banned, forbidden, wag finger, no no

Things you should never do

Never buy a mattress when you are tired

Everything will feel comfortable and then you will buy a marble slab and spend the next three years trying to solve the problem with hot and cold running toppers.

Never look for a dress on the day of a party

It won’t be there. It’s wandered off in someone else’s bag, someone who saw it and thought, ‘There’s a useful dress for a party that isn’t even in my diary yet’. It’s OK to hate that person. But be her next time.

Never go out two nights in a row

Accidental scheduling be damned – do not let this happen. It will make you mad, bad, dangerous to know; you will definitely cancel/cry and everyone will hate you.

Never look at your emails at 3am

So some bastard dog is barking. Or you’ve woken up because it’s just another night. So, as you are drinking a tiny thimbleful of water because you are a parched husk but terrified of waking up again for another pee, you check your emails and there’s one saying, ‘Can I have five minutes in the morning?’ and BOOM that’s your sleep over.

Never go shopping in a supermarket when you are hungry

This is an act of self-harm on every level – you will end up the proud owner of aisle number 5, you will have eaten aisle number 3 on the way, and have bought nothing remotely useful or nutritious.

Never make a mental list of all the people you have slept with

Why would you do this, you may ask? Well maybe you just happen to thinking about an old flame and then your mind starts to wonder and you can’t help it but it all comes flooding back. Can open, worms everywhere. Worms. Also never write down a list of things you’ve eaten. Bad juju.

Never marry someone who says ‘…and I turned out okay’

They didn’t.

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