There are some things only you can say. That no one else can say to you. Or agree with. Or look like they might in any way concur. EVER. Like…
“I’ve put on weight”
Of course you have because it has basically been raining or snowing for the whole of 2018 so you have been eating chocolate cake to stay warm. And yes you can say, “Gosh I’ve put on weight” but everyone else is banned from any acknowledgement of this situation… On pain of death.
“Yes I know you told me I shouldn’t have slept with that sociopathic idiot”
But on no account can the someone ever say, “I told you so.” Or give even you the look that says, ‘I told you so’. In fact, the look is worse. But the worst of all is… “I’m not going to say it.”
“Oops I think I’ve had enough [insert coffee/biscuits/Netflix/Tinder]”
You say who, you say what, you say how much. You do not want to hear: “I mean we’ve all noticed you’ve been really going for it.” (Booze is a tricky one though. Because you know, sometimes you have had enough and it might be a good thing if someone tells you that. But that’s a piece for another time)
“I will be XX in October”
You are allowed to say how old you are. No one else is allowed to say, “Can I introduce you to Emilie who is 5,000 years old.”
“I look tired”
Of course you look tired. You haven’t slept since 2006. But anyone else saying it is at best unhelpful and at worst cruel. You are hanging on in there. You are doing great. The twitch is not at all distracting.
“I know I am probably overeacting”
Cue silence. Or disagreement. Please also see, “I know I need to calm down.”
“My mother’s a bitch”
If you ever say this, because of course you never have. No one else is allowed to say it. Even if she keyed their car. Which of course she never did.
“I spend too much time scrolling”
Yes you are addicted. Yes it’s probably a bit anti-social to hide out in the loo to check what Doesmybumlook40 is wearing. Yes you admit it-ish. But if anyone has the gall to suggest you spend too much time on your phone – well it’s work, isn’t it? #fuckyouall